textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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