How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
