thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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