I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
