i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
