My room smells like vodka and shame
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
