i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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