I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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