Yo dont text me then not text me
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
