new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
