Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
