I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
