First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
