I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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