that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
