Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
