What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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