Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
