I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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