I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Randomize
