Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
