So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just want nice things and good sex
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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