no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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