Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
