I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I am spending my child support on dildos
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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