Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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