Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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