Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
