I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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