She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
