I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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