I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
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