He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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