Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
