She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
