Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
