WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Randomize
