In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
