Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
