Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I have peed in a lot of sinks
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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