And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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