I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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