billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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