I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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