Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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