drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
