Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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