a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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