I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
