it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Best friends brother. Beat that.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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