Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
