WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
